I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I need moral support for this bender
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
