Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
