I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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