Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
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I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
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This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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