wake up i wanna do it froggy style
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
