i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
