my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
