if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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