I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
