I'm laying in your front yard are you home
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
