yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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