My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
