Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
