Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
