Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
