Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
