Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
