so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
