i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
