you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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