I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
