Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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