you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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