Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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