: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
