I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Brb crying the tears of my youth
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
