i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Is it penis luge time yet?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
