he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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