This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
