I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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