I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
