youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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