You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Randomize
