I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
