so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
