I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I've blown a few things in my day
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Mom said you looked used
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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