genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.