After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.