Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
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