I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
