Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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