need another drink. this is the easiest way
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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