im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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