Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She bit a glass in half.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
