i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
