Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
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So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
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We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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