remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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