I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
