I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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