i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
