Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
