im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
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If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
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Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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