birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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