"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
