I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He better not be in your backpack
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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