I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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