I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
