fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
