I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm sobbing to NWA
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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