I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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