It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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