fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
