my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
